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Teenage Wasteland

October 10, 2011
Originally intended as a photo riff on the Cinematic Titanic forum.

In support of the OCCUPY WALL STREET movement, the following takes place not in the traditional environs of CSI’s Las Vegas, but in CSI:NY’s New York City.

This is the city. New York, New York. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps.

A thousand songs have been written about this town. Some of them good. Some of them not so good.

New York is the recording capital of the world, with hundreds of labels, and thousands of artists, generating millions of dollars in record sales each fiscal quarter.

Every genre is represented here. From rock to pop. Classical to jazz. Even some country.

Popular these days is a music style known as rap. Most of it is harmless, dealing with subject matter typical of most popular music: Youthful rebellion. Identity within peer groups. Wanting to “pull up tough“, because one noticed “that butt was stuffed“.

But some of it deals with subject matter of a much more insidious and depraved nature:
Drug use. Murder. Caucasians pretending to be black.

When that happens, I go to work.


EXT. – CENTRAL PARK – DAY

A grey, foggy day in New York City’s Central Park. We see a grassy area of the park cordoned off by yellow police tape, in the middle of which lies the dead and bloodied body of a teenage boy curled up in the foetal position.

Outside the perimeter of the tape, a group of elderly ladies stand being guarded by several uniformed officers.

A black SUV pulls up and Detective MAC TAYLOR and Sergeant DANNY MESSER emerge and approach Detective DON FLACK who lifts the crime tape to admit them, talking as he leads them to the victim’s corpse.

FLACK
Single male DB. Aged 19. Been dead roughly
half an hour. Multiple blunt force trauma
to the entire body, but, if I had to hazard a
guess, I’d say that the hit to the back of the head
was the C.O.D.

We see a gruesome close-up shot of the victim’s head wound, brain matter clinging to the hair.

TAYLOR
The body’s in a protective posture. He
was just trying to survive

FLACK
…I’ve arrested your vic here several
times myself. The guy was a real sleaze.
Name of William Pyrite. Calls
himself “A-Bill”, as in “ready, willing,
and a-bill”. He’s got a laundry list of
priors, including possession, assault,
burglary, and felony menacing of
a female volunteer at the
food bank

MESSER
Classy

FLACK
Your suspects are this group of ladies
from the “Magyar idősek otthonában“,
whatever the hell that is, in Bridgeport,
Connecticut. They chartered a bus
into the city for the day and were having
lunch here in the park when they ran
into our man in the foetal position here.
Their stories vary a bit, but the gist of it
is he convinced the group of them to take
a picture with him posing as the
“Békés Street Gurlz”…that’s “gurlz” with a
U and a Z…they did so, and then he
told them, quote, “You all my bitchez.”
…That’s “bitchez” with a Z…unquote.

TAYLOR
I see

FLACK
…They didn’t understand the jargon…

TAYLOR
It’s reprehensible jargon.

FLACK
Hey, you’re preaching to the choir
here, Mac. Anyway, they thought
he was actually calling them bitches, and…

MESSER
Boom

FLACK
The eye witness…

He gestures at a bespectacled man standing with a uniformed officer by a squad car parked on the bike path twenty yards away.

FLACK (CONT.)
…saw a single assailant beating Mr Pyrite,
but the description matches every one of
the suspects, and he was unable to narrow
it down.

Danny approaches the huddled group of elderly women standing under guard.

MESSER
So, any of you Day Trippers want to ‘fess up so’s
the rest of ya can go, hanh? We know it was one
of yous. Don’t think we won’t figure out
which one. It might take us so long to find
out… but we’ll find out.

Flack and Taylor walk to the squad car on the bike path. The Witness now lies on his stomach across the hood of the car, chin resting on his hands, and a cigar betwixt his teeth

TAYLOR
Could you tell us what you saw

WITNESS
Well, I was eating my lunch on the grassy
knoll there by the statue…

Messer hears this as he walks up, looks in the direction indicated, and sees no statue

MESSER
Statue?

WITNESS
Gesundheit!

TAYLOR
What statue?

WITNESS
Maybe it wasn’t a statue. It may have
been President Bush re-enacting his
response to the flooding in New Orleans…
Anyway, I was sitting there
eating my lunch when my ears
were assaulted by the sound of
a beating…or vice versa.
It was savage! Inhuman!!! The clubbing
went on and on!…Reminded me of
Paris Hilton for some reason…
I haven’t seen such inhumanity since
the Tea Party convention…

MESSER
C’mon, Mac. This guy’s just goofin’ with us.

WITNESS
I never goof! Unless you count the time
I tuned into Fox News expecting
honest journalism…

TAYLOR
Can you give us a description of the
assailant? Was it a man or a woman?

WITNESS
Of course!

Mac glares.

WITNESS (CONT.)
It was a woman.

TAYLOR
What colour hair did she have?

WITNESS
I couldn’t tell. She was wearing
a snood.

MESSER
A snood? What’s a snood?

WITNESS
Not much. What’s snood with you?

TAYLOR
A snood is a hairnet, Danny.

MESSER
None of the suspects were wearing hairnets.

WITNESS
Well, No snood’s good snoods, they say…

TAYLOR
You couldn’t see her hair colour because of the
snood?

WITNESS
She was also wearing a babushka

TAYLOR
And what colour was her babushka?

WITNESS
(turning his head demurely to the side)
A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell…

MESSER
Mac, I’m gonna kill this guy

TAYLOR
What about her clothes? What was she wearing?
A skirt? Pants? A dress?

WITNESS
1492 Columbus Circle. Apartment 9-A

TAYLOR
Did you see what kind of shoes she was
wearing?

WITNESS
I assume they were crepe soled shoes on
account of the way she battered him

TAYLOR
Okay. What did she attack him with?

WITNESS
Ferocity.

TAYLOR
I mean, what kind of instrument?

WITNESS
I don’t think it was an instrument, but he did taiko
brutal hit to the pipe-organ…

TAYLOR
Sir…

WITNESS
A walking stick.

TAYLOR
A walking stick?

WITNESS
Yes, sir. T’was a CANE slew A-Bill!

The policemen look to the group of suspects, all but one of whom is leaning on a cane. The teetering woman sees them all looking at her and jerks her head accusingly at the woman standing to her right.

WITNESS (CONT.)
Look, I’ve told you fellows all I know.
If I knew any more, I’d tell you… And if I
knew Annie Coulter, I wouldn’t.

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